Thursday, February 25, 2010


Haiti is cancelled. It's been cancelled for almost a month. I was so sad the day my LCDR told me. That day I got reamed by a cranky patient for being 30 minutes late with some pain medications. Needless to say, it was the first day at work that I had to step off the floor and shed a couple of tears.

Changes in plans are hard. It's this trust thing that God keeps talking to me about. Living alone taught me that I am not trust worthy to myself and God is the only thing I can trust. I learned that I am dependent on the people around me. We're meant to live in community. And now I'm learning that plans are not trustworthy.

I don't know what the future in the Navy holds for me. I reached my one year mark... which means 2 more to go. Will I stay in for another three or hit the mission field overseas or go back to Iowa, or stay here in San Diego????? My bet is none of the above b/c I am so frequently wrong with plans. So I suppose I will sit back and let God do his thing with my life... he's best at directing it anyway:)

Tuesday, February 2, 2010


Can a person possibly prepare to experience the devastation?



One day I was working down in the infusion clinic at Balboa and a corpsman came up to me and said, "They're looking for you b/c they want you to go to Haiti." My response: almost jumping up and down (but I must try and keep my military bearing:)) and "Who! Where are they!?!" Surprise crossed his face as he said he was kidding and thought it would make me mad rather than completely excited. Maybe he was a messenger from God.

When the earthquake hit, I did nothing. I skipped the news channels, avoided the newspaper stands and internet sites, shutting my emotions to the whole thing. I didn't want to feel convicted to do anything and felt like there was no chance that I could go if I did feel convicted because of my job.

So when God's messenger (the corpsman) told me that, it was like the lights switched on in my head. I went home that day saying over and over "God, I want to go to Haiti, I want to go to Haiti." Then I would have flashbacks to being so homesick in Cameroon and seeing maggots in wounds in India, and brushing my teeth with bottled water, and never feeling completely clean while overseas. Then I would say, "God, am I sure I want to go to Haiti? I just got adjusted to life in San Diego. I have 3 beautiful women that I'm living with and loving sharing life with them. I'm no longer crying weekly at my loneliness. I feel secure in who I am and what I'm doing. I'm excited about life right now. Do I really need to step out and do something uncomfortable again?" But as I prayed and thought...I was reminded of sitting at our kitchen table talking to the recruiter about how I want to do humanitarian work and I want to go on the Mercy and that is one of the primary reasons I want to join the Navy.

And so the next day, absolutely positive and determined that this is where I need to go and what I need to do, I talked with my LCDR of my ward stating that I want to go to Haiti. But the answer was no. They aren't taking Junior Officers... they need Senior Officers. Bummer dude.

2 days later on my lunch break, she comes in and asks, "Do you still want to go to Haiti? Because I gave them your name so get ready to deploy." I lost my military bearing.

That was about a week ago. I've been at the hospital every day either working or going to appointments or getting shots or buying new uniforms to prepare. I am learning that there are no absolutes in the Navy. Flexibility, trust and surrender are key to my life right now. I've heard anywhere from you're leaving in 2 weeks to not at all. And so I have one more thing in life that reminds me that I am not in control. There is nothing I can do except prepare and then wait.

I am ecstatic. I am nervous. I feel dread. I feel sick to my stomach. I feel at peace. I feel blessed. I feel thankful. I am positive that God will put me where he wants me and keep me in the palm of his hand therefore, I am okay.