Sunday, August 23, 2009

I'm only me when I'm with them...

The past two days have drifted slowly by like the clouds on a summer day... beautiful, peaceful, and the creation of feelings that the english vocabulary does not describe. Why? Because my sister came to visit.

Early this week, I called Katie sobbing over the woes of my day and mind you, my woes really do not deserve the title of "woe" but nevertheless I grant them it. I was desperate for someone to come visit but sadly, Dad and Brent were off to the Boundary Waters, Mom and Katie were working and Lucy had just started a job. Things were looking quite poorly. But I bribed Lucy (the only one with some flexibility with her job) with a plane ticket and promises of line dancing, surfing, boogie boarding, frozen yogurt, my fabulous company, and most convincing the Cardinals vs. Padres tickets and she took it!

So the past two days I have had a companion to spend my days off with. I've had someone to walk into my apt with, someone to eat breakfast with, someone to watch and laugh at the Office with, someone who noticed when I woke up at 0230 in the morning unable to sleep, someone to buy ice cream late at night with, someone to go line dancing with, etc. It has been so wonderful. And tonight in lieu of sleeping, I am contemplating what it has been that has made the past two days so refreshing for me. And I've realized that I am not me without my family. Taylor Swifts song "I'm Only me when I'm with you" has a new meaning b/c I really am not. I do not dread going to church in the morning all by myself; I have my sister beside me. I am not afraid to make a fool of myself line dancing; my sister is either doing the same thing or watching me so we can laugh together later. I am free to be myself when I am enveloped in the love of family.

The dilemma comes with the plane taking off for noontime on Monday. Am I destined to always feel unable to be myself d/t the distance from my family? How do I reconcile my desire to discover new places and take advantage of opportunities in my career with my intense desire to be near my family? Is the discomfort of always putting myself "out there" without anyone to catch me when I fall a feeling I must adapt to? Boo if it is. I don't want to. Is ours the only culture that puts so much pressure on young adults to "get out there" and experience life for yourself. As if you can't experience life for ourselves right in our hometown b/c somehow thats not life. No, it seems that life can only be discovered when you leave.

But I've left. I've left a lot. I left to go to Cameroon, to Indiana, to Camp Ewalu, to Liberty, MO, to India and now to San Diego and so I now know from experience that the ultimatum of discovering "life" is not getting out of one's hometown. I think it's recognizing what makes life worth anything and that is the people you love and who love and know you.

Yup. Thats right... I am getting to a point in life that I can say something and its backed by experience!!! Woo hoo! I AM a quarter of a centure you know:)

1 comment:

  1. Is the discomfort of always putting myself 'out there' without anyone to catch me when I fall a feeling I must adapt to?

    Yup...I think it is BUT HE will always catch you....Now I wanna come line dancing!!