Thursday, March 22, 2012

In a funk

Do you ever wake up feeling like a freight train hit you? Thats how I woke up yesterday. The day before yesterday I read about being a friend of God. Being God's friend means being honest to him, talking to him about everything, valuing what he values and making friendship with him the absolute priority in life.

Ha. Thats a perfect follow up day.... feeling like a freight train rolled over you. I woke up grumpy and feeling disorderly. Then that lovely thought of wanting what God wants came to mind. Joyful always, without complaining, loving others as yourself, obedience over sacrifice but still sacrifice out of love... suddenly friendship with God seemed very inconvenient and something I wanted to put off until I felt better.

Today I feel guilt. Guilt that I have this beautiful home to live in, parents who raised me to value and practice kindness, warm cups of coffee... endless warm cups of coffee, cupboards filled with food... not necessary food but extra food, free education, endless opportunities for nursing jobs, travel opportunities, full tummy, etc, etc, etc.

Why God? Why do I get all of this? And what is my place in this world? Is it guilt from Satan or is it conviction? What can I do? Can I live here without guilt with all of the above material blessings while people starve, people are illiterate, kids don't have mom and dad's that love them, people don't even know the name Jesus, people don't have God's word in their language, people don't know what clean water is, people don't know how to clean their homes and children sleep ontop of each other on rags....

Guilt? or Conviction?

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