War at Christmastime

This morning I had to be at the hospital at 6AM (on my day off mind you!) for a meeting about disaster preparedness. See in the military, they say we not only have to master the skills of nursing, but we also have to have collateral duties... it's all about leadership and leadership is demonstrated by being super duper involved in everything... which I disagree with but it's the culture I signed for:) Maybe you would think that I would be a stellar disaster preparedness officer, but I would say I am sub-par evidenced by my lack of concern during tornado warnings in Iowa, venturing into the waves even with flood watches and crazy wind, no fire alarm in my apt... maybe you see what I mean. What will be will be... being prepared takes the adventure out of it! Anyway...

As I was walking to my car I saw all these signs of "Season's Greetings", "Happy Holidays", "Celebrate", "Noel", etc. Meanwhile I hear the shouts of sailors training and I can't help but think how there is no room for war in this season. None. I close the door on it.

Yet, the world I live in doesn't allow closed doors for war. It reminds me of this song by Garth Brooks:

"Belleau Wood"

Oh, the snowflakes fell in silence

Over Belleau Wood that night

For a Christmas truce had been declared

By both sides of the fight

As we lay there in our trenches

The silence broke in two

By a German soldier singing

A song that we all knew

Though I did not know the language

The song was "Silent Night"

Then I heard my buddy whisper,

"All is calm and all is bright"

Then the fear and doubt surrounded me

'Cause I'd die if I was wrong

But I stood up in my trench

And I began to sing along

Then across the frozen battlefield

Another's voice joined in

Until one by one each man became

A singer of the hymn

Then I thought that I was dreaming

For right there in my sight

Stood the German soldier

'Neath the falling flakes of white

And he raised his hand and smiled at me

As if he seemed to say

Here's hoping we both live

To see us find a better way

Then the devil's clock struck midnight

And the skies lit up again

And the battlefield where heaven stood

Was blown to hell again

But for just one fleeting moment

The answer seemed so clear

Heaven's not beyond the clouds

It's just beyond the fear

No, heaven's not beyond the clouds

It's for us to find it here

See? It's universal. What is it about this season that will equalize all of us if we allow it? It is a precious time. So my prayer this year has been that little baby Jesus turned great King and Savior will be incredibly glorified and discovered this season by all. Oh how I love Christmas:)

Confident Dependence

This is what my life felt like about a week ago...

And now...

I cannot even believe the difference I feel now that I am living with people. When I have my quiet time in the mornings, I can't even focus b/c I just keep saying "Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!" It's curious to me that it makes such a huge difference and I even feel a bit foolish/dependent because of the unmistakable need for people I have.

I've been slapped in the face by the fact that I cannot do life alone and my pride doesn't really like that. But then recently I was looking through my India journal and I was reminded of the verse in Hosea... "Act on the principles of love and justice and always live in CONFIDENT DEPENDENCE on your God." (12:6). So the Lord asks us to be dependent on him, and isn't it the role of the church that we live dependently on one another? I know our society screams at us to live as independently as possible, so now we have one more opportunity to stand out among the crowd. So good luck... It is definitely against our internal grain to live dependently, but I think the reward surpasses the uncomfortable grating process:)

Reality

I return from Texas a little less naive about what life might be like for the thousands of soldiers, sailors, airmen, marines and special forces that are living their lives half way around the world. The week of training started out with being dumped with an old military backpack, helmet, a fake M16, CBRNE protective equipment (chemical, biological, radiological, nuclear, and explosives) a rainsuit, gloves, canteens, and a vest with protective plates inserted to stop bullets (I forget what they're called!). It probably added up to be about 40 lbs of gear. We were then shuffled to our cots in our hutments which made up our home for the next 8 days. The first 3 days were filled with lectures and classes about combat casualty care and deployment life. The docs, nurses, dentists and PA's had various classes to attend.

Deployment didn't sound too bad while I sat in the padded seats of the auditorium. I thought it would be an adventure to go work with the soldiers and thought of how much of a difference I might be able to make while over there.

Then we switched gears and headed out to the field carrying the 40 lbs of gear, loading in and out of 4 foot high trucks with no shock pads or ladder to aid in getting into the vehicle. They took us through various exercises including an airplane crash where we had to run into the smoky plane and find the bodies (mannequins) and give them basic aid such as placing tourniquets and triaging them to get them to the nearest clinic while our private instructors would be yelling at us asking if we were going to let the soldiers leg bleed out and to hurry up and move! We had to charge into an area where we would drop to our bellies at the sound of gunshots only to get up quickly and run another 5-10 feet. We had to carry a wounded soldier through a obstacle course and put on an airtight mask in less than 8 seconds... these are just a few of the exercises we experienced.

The field was when all my romantic notions of war and deployment were flushed down the toilet. It was only 80 degrees at Fort Bullis in San Antonio, TX while it might be 120 degrees in Iraq and I was sweating through my cami. My eyes welled up with tears numerous times at the thought of this being a reality and soldiers truly having their legs blown off or faces burned up, at soldiers truly riding in the back of trucks vulnerable to the bombs that might be set off at any time. I hate war. I hate that it is a reality. I hate that it is a way of life for some. I hate that young men and women who should be starting careers and families, and hunting with their dads, playing college sports or going to the college football games are actually out learning how to hunt Taliban, living thousands of miles from families, receiving "dear John" letters, running so that they are physically strong enough to withstand the rigors of deployment... What kind of world is this!?!?! WHY God?!?!?! That was the reality of this training.

I don't know if I will get deployed. I don't want to. But if I do, I have a taste of what is to come. Challenges create character and I know that this is where God has called me to be. So I remain, but with a bit more heartache and sadness of what is truly going on.

Here are a few pictures of the training:)

Loading a patient on the stretcher.

Loading into the trucks

This is a level 3 center where it is set up similarly to a hospital...where the soldiers could go to surgery and we had more access to the medicine they need.

This is my battle buddy LT Blossom all geared up for a day in the field.

3rd Platoon "Nobody Dies!"

My M16 (fake of course) and MRE...

Combat Casualty Care Course AKA C4

Tomorrow I leave in the early AM for San Antonio, TX to meet my fellow military healthcare professionals and learn a tidbit about healthcare on deployment. I had to buy cami's for this adventure and when I look in the mirror... I just can't help but laugh... at myself... out loud. I never ever would have thought 5 years ago that this is where I would be.

I get to meet people from the Army, Airforce and Navy... There are three days of classes from what I understand and 3 days of acting out a deployment health care setting... what that entails I am not sure. I'm nervous and excited. Details to follow if I am still in the mood to blog when I return:)

Redeeming Love

Last night I went to Borders and bought the book Redeeming Love for probably the 6th time as every book I get, I end up giving it away b/c I love it so much. I have probably read it about 10 times and it never fails to sweep me up into the story. It is a book that reminds me of God's reckless love for me... It helps me see myself as I truly am... a whore constantly seeking earthly pleasures and selfish ambitions to fill a hole that only Jesus can fill...

But today as I'm reading it, a character was daydreaming and it brought me back to some sermon given by some pastor who talked about how we have lost our creative nature... and I thought about how I don't allow myself to daydream. If I do, then I must document it by journaling. Otherwise what a time wasting worthless activity! AND by golly... that is a lie and today I took a few minutes to let my mind wander and daydream... about my future, the ocean, God, etc... I think that it might make God glad to free our minds from constant "purposeful" activities and just let go.

I'm moving:) I'm moving to the beach. I'm moving in with three girls. I am saying good bye to a little one bedroom apt where I learned that who I am alone is not always consistent with who I am with people. One thing is for sure, you do find out new things about yourself when you are alone and you are forced to come to terms with it! When I think about moving, it is like a fresh breeze blows on my cheeks. It is time. Time to recognize that I do not thrive in every circumstance, that I have to have courage to change things I am able to change and accept the things I cannot. I can't change that I live in San Diego far from friends and family. I can change that I hate living alone! Some confusing sadness and insecurity cause me to question this decision... but it is always difficult to let go of the familiar. It might be easier to stay stagnant, but it sure isn't healthy.

Only God knows...

Work has been a bit stressful lately... maybe I already mentioned that, but patients with cancer have so much to deal with and you can't help but feel as if you have to deal with those issues along with them as their nurse. Cancer pain is crazy, the side effects so frustrating and debilitating in their crisis times, and the mental stability is a puzzle to maintain. Cancer is just evil. A person learns that they have a killer disease, have a set amount of time to live and Oh, P.S. it's going to be a pretty horrible death. But Good Luck! YUCK. is what I have to say.

Supernaturally Refreshed

This morning I woke up @ 0536 after having gone to bed @ midnight last night. I have neurotic hours of sleep since working nights; so I turned on the movie "A River Runs Through It" b/c my dear friend Sheila said it was one of her favorites. AND what girl doesn't love to look at Brad Pitt for a couple of hours?

@ 930 I went to a women's prayer group @ Horizon Christian Fellowship that I have been to one other time. I'm getting desperate for some meaningful Christian relationships and saw this as a great opportunity. Dottie, an older woman with beautiful white hair, stunning blue eyes and a smile that makes the loneliest heart feel welcome, stopped me at the end of the prayer as I was walking out the door and said something like, "I'm so glad you came back, you know I am a retired nurse and I know how hard nursing is and today it's even harder! I worked Oncology for 5 years and didn't realize how burnt out I was until I switched jobs!" At this, my eyes filled with tears and I couldn't say much other than nodd my head over and over b/c this week I realized I might be well on my way to getting burnt out... after a grand total of 6 months working! She promptly gave me her number and told me to call her anytime I felt I needed prayer:)

So then I went home, skipped my run, made plans to have a Borders "date" with my friend Hilary later that afternoon and fell asleep. I woke up about 3 hours later with more energy than I have had in a long time and wondered did I drink an espresso in my sleep or something!?!?! I felt totally refreshed and ready to go and the only thing I can think of is that someone prayed for me and I just have a sneaking feeling it was my new friend Dottie.